“I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life.”
Forty year ago, my husband, Joe, and I made our marriage vows on August 17, 1985. As a 19-year-old bride, I had little understanding of what those words meant or would require. I imagine it is the same for many. We have hopes and expectations, albeit idealistic or romanticized. We may also have a good idea of what we hope our marriage will NOT be like. Surely, it’s a good place to start, but it is then that the real work of love begins.
Stability, a Benedictine value, is what is promised in marriage when we vow, “all the days of my life.” We promise to stay, to not run away from challenges or difficulties; instead, we remain present to the relationship, to see what we discover about each other. After writing seventy-two chapters in The Rule, Benedict titles his last chapter, “This rule only a beginning of perfection.” In other words, marriage, or any commitment we make, requires practice—making mistakes, forgiveness, and always beginning again.
To love is a decision. A marriage is not made, once and for all, when the I-dos are exchanged. A marriage is constantly being recreated; it is always in the process of becoming. A marriage is made of moments. Moments we would like to forget, moments we must forgive, and moments that help us become more fully who we are. There are moments of joy, adventure, contentment, and the making of beautiful memories. When you string them all together, you get a picture of a life built together.
I love that the ruby, a precious gem, second only to the diamond in toughness and durability, is the traditional symbol for a 40th wedding anniversary. Throughout history, many cultures and religions have associated the ruby with mystical or spiritual qualities, representing love, passion, protection, vitality, and wealth. (Ruby Symbolism and Legends)
The word “ruby” comes from the Latin word “ruber,” meaning red. The red heart of Valentine’s Day reminds us of a desire for passion and romantic love. One also thinks of the redness of blood, which carries oxygen to all parts of the body, giving life.
Joe and I have experienced this “ruby” nature, not all in one day, month, or year, but over time and as a way of life. The ruby’s “inner glow” led to beliefs that it contained an inner fire or “an inextinguishable flame”. This inner glow, with a playful spirit and sense of humor, has fueled our commitment to protect our marriage, to be resilient, to learn, grow and change. We are wealthy in countless ways—a beautiful daughter and son-in-law, great friends and family connections, opportunities for travel, hobbies, personal interests, and, now, more time for together.
Our new season of retirement. After lengthy careers in law enforcement and education, both Joe and I have retired—letting go of our careers, but not what was at the heart of our vocation. We continue to work in other ways: I lead SoulFully You retreats and workshops on creativity and the spiritual life, write essays for Being Benedictine, and belong to a variety of book/study groups, including oblates. Joe drives senior citizens to recreational activities and appointments, enjoys travel with his siblings, meeting with friends, and cultivating his bourbon collection. We have time to slow down, take a nap when we want, read, and binge-watch TV shows, travel more, and enjoy spontaneous trips to be with our daughter Jessica and her husband, John.
Rubies, like many gemstones, are made under extreme heat and pressure below the earth. So, too, with marriage. A marriage is created in the underground, within our spirits, in the ordinary and extraordinary, dark and light, challenges and joys. A marriage embraces all seasons.
Forty years of marriage is a threading of memories, a stringing together of moments that hold the seasons of life. Time is funny: it goes too fast, but it also unfolds so slowly that we don’t always see the transformation of the innocent into the mature, the immature into the confident. Still I am surprised to reflect on FORTY years of marriage, because that’s how old I feel!
A paraphrase from the Prologue of the Rule in Always We Begin Again: The Benedictine Way of Living (John McQuiston II), affirms, “Life will always provide matters for concern. Yet each day brings with it reasons for joy…Be gentle with this life, and use the light of life to live fully in your time.”
“The ruby is a gemstone that encourages the wearer to live fully and embrace whatever happens. It allows the wearer to see their strength and potential from the perspective of their own heart.” (withclarity.com)
We look forward to many more seasons and memories living life fully.
Marriage reflections through the seasons:
Our Coral Anniversary: 35 Years of Marriage
The Vow of Stability: A Marriage Made of Moments
Being Benedictine 
August 10, 2025 at 12:27 pm
Lovely reflection on marriage. Congratulations on your Anniversary.
LikeLiked by 1 person
August 10, 2025 at 12:32 pm
Thank you!
LikeLike
August 10, 2025 at 1:10 pm
Wonderful insights into the meaning of marriage. Having just passed my 20th everything you say about your 40th ruby anniversary resonates with me. Especially the following: “Rubys, like many gemstones, are made under extreme heat and pressure below the earth. So, too, with marriage. A marriage is created in the underground, within our spirits, in the ordinary and extraordinary, dark and light, challenges and joys. A marriage embraces all seasons.” I can hardly imagine getting married as 19; I married late in life. But you and Joe prove either way is a blessing if you keep growing together and realize there will be days that are like walking in a snowy cold wind, but these are more than offset by those days that are the proverbial walk in a sunny park. Hope to share your column later this week. Thank you for this sharing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
August 10, 2025 at 3:52 pm
Thank you so much, Judith!
LikeLike